I thought I’d show you the view I am looking at right now. This is a cheeky little place in Sarawak, East Malaysia (Borneo). Just outside a town called Kuching.
But, I hear you ask, how did I get here from my forced confinement in a hospital in Sumbawa, suffering sever anxiety and wondering if I’d ever get out?? If I’d live…?
All good questions.
So here, and in a series of blogs that I hope will allow me to catch up, let me tell you.
I was in really bad shape. Mentally and physically. I ran some blood tests back in Sydney. Turns out I had cryptosporidium, a mosquito borne virus I can’t pronounce and Covid – all at once. No wonder I was a bit rooted. It took maybe a month to get my mojo back.
But it was the mental health that really worried me. See the last blog on what I was experiencing… But why?? When I’d not had any issues in 66 years??
It was stress – plain and simple. I’d planned this trip for three years. Taking me and a vehicle to countries I barely knew, and to get us both through those countries, is a significant challenge. There is no book. No website. No agency I can call to get advice. I am totally alone – solving issues as they arise. It’s bloody tough.
I layered on the expectations of lots of people. I’d talked about this for months – I didn’t want to be seen to fail. I set myself a high bar for socials – something I know nothing about. I’d get somewhere after a big drive and stress that I needed to post stuff… I bit off far more than I could chew… Driving 500km isn’t hard in Aust. In Indonesia it was brutal. But I needed to find that out myself.
I made it to Flores ok… Tough. Really tough getting there, and finding my way around. My boy Rory came up for 10 days – fantastic. But he left and I took off the next day for the island of Sumbawa. So, totally alone again, in a new place. Then I get badly sick – I mean really sick. Everything that I’d suppressed just bubbled up. No, not bubbled – exploded inside me.
Like a bomb.
And probably it was years of shit… Building a career, fatherhood, being a ‘good’ person, my divorce… Everything I’d suppressed since forever.
Anyway, realisation is 90% of fixing something, so they say. And as I look at it now, what a silver lining Sumbawa really was for me. I was able to reset and get going again.
What did I do? I made it out of hospital – totally rooted. I camped at a resort in Sumbawa for a few days. But I had a visa issue – I needed to renew my tourist visa to Indonesia otherwise I was technically an illegal alien at risk of deportation. I dragged myself into my truck and drove/ferried to Lombok. Friends had told me about someone who would help – she did for a small fortune. I made it to another resort for a week – dragged myself to breakfast and dinner and slept all day and all night.
I had a compelling event. A friend was coming to Bali with her children – I was hosting them. So I drove/ferried to Denpasar and met them. We spent a couple of days there and then hit a really nice resort on the Gilli Islands. It worked! Wonderful company, kids to absorb me – rather than what was inside my head – a beautiful location… I started to feel normal – mentally and physically…
Thank you, Carly, for sharing your beautiful family with me… You caught me, you saved me. I will be forever grateful.
I flew back with Carly and continued on to NZ. I spent a week in the bosom of some of the greatest people known to mankind…. No expectations, just being me. Healing. Then I headed to Sydney for a week. More wonderful, beautiful friends, but also the medical stuff. Once I knew what the physical issues were, I flew straight back to Bali. I was determined to give this trip another shake – to see if I could do it.
What am I doing differently??
- I don’t care what anyone thinks. I have never done that before – I have always felt judged and have compared myself to others, and so have carried their expectations. Fuck them!! If I do this, or if I decide to stop, that’s my business.
- Socials and blogging?? Who cares… If I decide to do some stuff then I will in my own time… If I never do then so be it. I cannot be a slave to that stuff.
- I need to alter my planning to cut out the tough drives. I’ll still have to do them – I drove 1,800 very tough kms recently in Borneo in 3 days, as an example. But then I need to be sure I recuperate with time and a nice place. Which brings me back to photo above – I am here 6 nights.
Finally, I want to acknowledge the dozens of people – close friends, people I’d lost contact with and total strangers – who reached out to me when I talked about my anxiety. I am eternally grateful to all of you. You literally saved me – and I mean that! Your care for me made the difference between total despair and hope. I cannot understate your contribution.
Finally, I’ve realised this trip – in fact my whole life – is mine. Not anyone else’s. After 66 years, that a huge realisation. Huge!! Can you even begin to imagine just how liberating that is?